25 Feb You don’t attract drama, you are drawn to it. Learn to UNHOOK!

Learn, Grow & Thrive with Geoff J. Ayi-Bonte

The “Attracting the wrong people” Myth

How many times have you heard someone or even yourself say out loud that you keep attracting the wrong kinds of people? You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kinds of people that seemingly add drama to your life or harm or frustration or disappointment or unreliability or disrespect or whatever else takes away from you living your best life.

A lot of experts tend to say that we are responsible for what we attract. Doesn’t that mean that you purposefully go out there and pretty much recruit the kinds of people you don’t want in your life? Please tell me that this sounds ridiculous to you, too. I have yet, in all my years of psychology, to hear a person tell me that they actively look to get hurt, disappointed, disrespected and let down. We obviously do not wake up and ask ourselves: “How can I make my life and relationships problematic today?!?!”

Here is what actually happens. Those of us who have gone through some significant personal hardship have learned how to survive with it. Yes, WITH. What I am referring to is that we figure out how to cope with that particular situation, but then eventually apply that way of thinking and acting to other truly unrelated areas of our lives. Here is an example:

A young person gets picked on for their weight, color, religious beliefs, sexual preference or the like. Any of those kinds of situations can be significant enough to us. That person may learn to stay quit in the presence of conflict, because it may seem too unsafe to speak up. In time, this becomes a way of dealing not just with this specific kind of conflict, but with all actual and anticipated conflict. In time, the odds increase exponentially for that person to expect to be treated poorly without standing up for themselves. That person may not CHOOSE an abusive or poor relationship, but they are DRAWN to what they are used to. Yes, that person is drawn to what they have learned to “cope” with: not being safe and respected. They have adopted that role based on what happened in their life earlier on. Despite them not being happy in this unkind relationship, they stick to their role. Have they chosen that? No.

We are drawn to someone who is compatible with the role we have adopted.

That is why I have dedicated my career to helping people engineer their life, so that we can actively and consciously choose the role we want to take on and thus, also choose the people who are compatible with that role. It starts with our understanding of us.

The more you understand yourself, the better the choices you can make today and in your future.

You are not attracting incompatible people;
you are still holding on to a role that you have long outgrown.

 Learn, Grow & Thrive™

We tend to think that the solution is to simply accept people for who and how they are. It’s true, after all, that we cannot change others, but only ourselves. Well, guess again, because that version will keep you stuck in a life that you do not deserve. I firmly believe in the motto: Own Your Life™ which is based on us making a conscious effort to engineer our lives toward a better future, regardless of what we have thus far been through or where we come from.

So how can you engineer your life toward a better future™?

It starts with seeing people for who and how they truly are instead of how you want them to be. Don’t get stuck on potential or ideals, because they are future-based which means NOT NOW!!! Once we see people for who and how they really are, YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE ACCESS PEOPLE HAVE TO YOU!!! That is the key. You do not have to accept their behavior in your life at all. You get to demand and insist on them treating you with kindness, care and respect, regardless of what they are dealing with on their own end. We get stuck in saying that someone is having a hard time, so we cut them some slack. “He’s had it rough with his parents when he was younger. That’s why he gets mad sometimes. I can deal with it.” Why allow that to happen? You have a responsibility toward your heart. You are in charge of deciding who has what kind of access to your heart.

There is NO NEED to settle for hardship.

Listen, we all have our proverbial “stuff”. I get it. I have it, too. That being said, we still get to choose what we do with it. Why would we choose to expose someone indefinitely to our “stuff”…especially if we care about them??? It makes no sense. Being accepted is not a free pass to stay stuck and cease to grow. It is NOT A FREE PASS BUT A GIFT!!! This gift simply means that someone is giving us space and some patience to learn, grow and thrive™.

Stay focused on what your heart deserves to be exposed to. Trust that it is always the most positive instead of anything even remotely negative. Your heart is a kind part of you that deserves nurturing, care, understanding, kindness and love, regardless of what you may have thus far been through or whatever choices you may have thus far made. Your heart deserves the best. You are in charge of what it gets exposed to. In essence, you are the bouncer to the club called YOUR HEART. Make the guest list exclusive. Some deserve the VIP room, some get general entrance, some need to be kicked out after a while, because their behavior is not right, others need to wait in line to get in (earn their entrance) while yet others don’t even deserve the prospect of getting in.

You are and give the best of yourself when your heart is surrounded by love and genuine care. If you want to give others the best version of you, make sure that your supporting cast is in line with that. That also includes that you are in line with what’s truly good for your heart.

As always, I hope that this article is useful to you. How you live your life depends o how you treat yourself. We may all carry baggage along with us. The key is to decrease the load as soon as possible at all times. It makes it easier to raise our hands in victory and gratitude.

If you want to learn how to make this a reality in your life, contact my office. You can get personalized support or join one of my engaging, inspiring and informative seminars.

Another good way is to sign up to receive the newsletter. That way, you’ll never miss out on hearing about an event.

Either way, know that you deserve to live the best life possible.

You need not know how, just that you want to.

There is help to get you there.

Sincerely,
your Mad Shrink™
Geoff

Learn, Grow & Thrive